Apotheosis

My friend Aziyade -- who serves as conclusive proof, if any were needed, that a person can be smart, funny, talented, gorgeous, and completely insane all at once -- has formed a tribe for me on Tribe.net:

Don't think the appeal of being worshipped as a god hasn't occurred to me. Normally my friends are all like "Richard, you're so understanding and sympathetic" and "Richard, you're a decent writer" and "Richard, you make me chuckle on occasion" as if that's supposed to help. Nothing personal, mom! I appreciate the kind words. But the fact is, my self-esteem issues are so intractable that nothing short of total adulation and worship will really make a dent. And in this respect, frankly, my friends have fallen short all too often. Maybe this is a turning point and things are about to change. About time!

I know it won't happen all at once. Maybe you'll be watching the news and thinking "I bet this wouldn't happen if Richard were in charge!" Maybe you'll be faced with a dilemma and take a moment to ask yourself "What Would Richard Do?" Or maybe you'll be getting dressed in the morning and wonder "What can I wear that Richard will like?" For the record: I find casual, comfortable, loose-fitting clothes to be extemely sexy. But I don't want to lay too many rules on you all at once.

In the long run, I know I'm looking at increased popularity, more views of my Tribe page and blog, more people wondering "who is this fascinating RAB and how can I get to know him?" and perhaps even an invitation to join the Tribe 25. Beyond that, a new lifestyle of unbridled sensuality. My chela knows a lot of bellydancers, so I will expect a harem before long. But hey, a nonsexist equal opportunity harem; it'll have some hot guys in it so that my straight female and gay male followers can get some eye candy too. That's the kind of deity I am.

Now, I've already told Aziyade I cannot myself join this tribe in good conscience. Not until she gets a few more members. From there, I leave the matter to your individual consciences. I am a compassionate god.

TV spot

ANNOUNCER: In our next gripping episode...

(INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE)

WOMAN: Doctor, my husband died of influenza. Why didn't you give him antibiotics?

TOM CRUISE: Antibiotics? If you knew -- do you have any idea -- those drugs, they have a whole history --

ANNOUNCER: ...Doctor Tom Cruise must do the hardest job any doctor faces.

TOM CRUISE: Your husband was a very sick man. His troubles were all in his reactive mind, where all these so-called illnesses originate...

WOMAN: He died of the FLU!

TOM CRUISE: Listen -- are you the doctor here? No! I am! Why? Because I say I am! You'd have to read all the papers I've read, the histories of how these drugs were invented, before you could even dream of calling yourself a doctor! You have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, okay? That's what I've done.

WOMAN: But the flu is easily treatable...

TOM CRUISE: You're being glib. Let's just solve all our troubles by taking drugs. Is that your answer? Little children, let's just pump them full of antibiotics without them knowing the effects. Do you understand that? There's no such thing as the flu. All it does is mask the problem.

ANNOUNCER: But Doctor Cruise must also confront someone with the hard truth.

PATIENT: Nothing's wrong with me, Doctor. But as a sexually active gay man, I felt it was important to have a checkup, because it pays to be careful, right?

TOM CRUISE: No. No. That's a lie. The media is trying to cram that down your throat. You're not gay. There's no such thing as gay. There's no such thing. The tabloids, the so-called journalists, they're all trying to tell you you're gay...but you're not. You're not.

PATIENT: But I --

TOM CRUISE: Look at Nurse Katie. I bet you want her, don't you? You'd like to screw her right now, wouldn't you?

PATIENT: No, I don't...she seems like a very nice girl, but...

TOM CRUISE: Nice? Nice? You bet she's nice. She's more than nice, and you know it. You're madly in love with her. Over the moon. But you can't have her. And you know why? Because she's mine! MINE MINE MINE!

ANNOUNCER: And Nurse Katie makes her wackiest blunder yet...

TOM CRUISE: Nurse, this patient is suffering from severe dehydration! Why weren't my instructions followed?

NURSE KATIE (six-year old girl): I sowwy, docta! I tot you wanted me to give him diuretics!

ANNOUNCER: Coming soon on the next episode of Tom Cruise, M.D.!