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INHABITANTS OF COMET TEMPEL 1 DECLARE WAR ON EARTH
Leaders Vow To 'Capture Humans Responsible And Bring Them To Justice'

The tiny inhabitants of Comet Tempel 1 today fled the site of an attack by Earth scientists which left a crater the size of two football fields in their celestial body, which is approximately the size of Manhattan. Outrage on the comet was sparked by a boasts from scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena to the effect that "We hit it just exactly where we wanted to" and "Its success exceeded our expectations."

"What kind of beings would deliberately do something like this?" asked one survivor of the attack. "Still, you have to admit, it did look pretty cool when it hit."

Responding to calls for immediate retaliation, the government of Tempel 1 said it was currently evaluating its options. "We want to emphasize that we are not at war with all Earth people," explained a spokesbeing, "but merely those terrorists who sent a washing-machine sized object crashing into our home on a suicide mission.

"Our current plan is to declare war on Mars, since we believe it will be a haven for Earth forces at some point in the future. We believe the conquest of Mars will take a matter of days if not weeks, but certainly not any longer than that. The Martians will welcome us as liberators as we rescue them from the prospect of further aggression by Earth.

"Beyond that, we plan to argue for the next four years or so about what kind of memorial to put in the crater."